melt

I had a good relationship with my parents, but there is one thing lacking that I have always desired, and that is to be taken seriously. All my life I have been needy I guess. I need words of affirmation, and I want to be held when I have a melt down. Since I was a kid, I was always emotional and had low self esteem. I was never thin like my mom or my siblings or cousins; I always felt like the fat ugly duckling. When I was in high school I was so depressed I would sit in my room and cry and inflict pain on myself because I thought I deserved it. When I tried talking to my mom, she said I was dramatic and would ignore me. So many times I had a melt down and wished she would just hold me and let me cry, instead they would yell at me and say "misery is a choice, get over it" .  Sometimes it's not a choice and depression is real. It's a real disorder and sometimes you REALLY can't help it. I was disgnosed withMajor Depressvive Disorder in 2005 after feelign like this my entire life, I finally had an answer and knew I wasn't just being "dramatic"(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_depressive_disorder). I still struggle but have come a long way in the past 5 years. Today I had a relapse. I was exhausted, overwhelmed and frustrated. I started sobbing uncontrollably and mom's reaction was "I can't handle you, I'm leaving. You suck the joy out of our visits". All  I wanted was for her to hold me, and tell me I was a good mom, and that It would be OK. That didn't happen and it probably never will.

Crazy tired

I tend to not sleep when I am looking forward to something. We are going to visit my family this afternoon. It's about a 3-31/2 hour drive through the mountains to the coast on th other side. I was up til 2:30 being anxious and fretting about the rain (first rain of the season), and then I woke up at 5:30, got Jude up at 6 (and he worked til midnight) so that he could be back at work at 7. He's working a half shift today. He usually drives himself but he wanted me to pick him up so we can head straight for the highway and get the heck outta here. Pray for a safe trip; this 2 lane mountain highway always makes me nervous. I am driving; my city slicker husband is not used to mountain driving and he terrifies me. As for now, Lucy and I are going back to sleep for a few hours.

I slept last night

I broke down and took a unisom last night, at the encouragement of my OB because I have insomnia (not to mention I pee every 20 min). I still woke up to pee but every 2 hours. Lucy slept in her own space (on the floor in our room in a sleeping bag {she is still afraid to sleep in her bedroom alone, as she shared a room  and bed with us at our apartment}) until 6am. We have lived in our new house for 2 months and I couldn't be happier. The seasons are shifting and Jude wasn't as much as a jerk last night. At least he said thanks for the house being clean when he came home last night. Tomorrow we are going on a small weekend trip to visit my family about 3 hours away. I am looking forward to it, just not the drive through the steep windy mountains to get to the Coast on the other side.

F-you and your untouchable face

So a little about me. I am in my 30's. Married for 12 years. We have 4 year old little girl, Lucy, and I am 35 weeks pregnant with baby girl # 2, Lizzy. Jude and I have had our ups and downs. Today he's being an asshole. I am having issues with varicosities in some uncomfortable private places. This makes it difficult to walk, use the toilet, sit or stand in one position, bend over to pick something off the ground, or  sneeze or laugh. He is pissed because he hasn't gotten laid in 3 days. He sat in bed on his laptop and watched me fold and put away 3 loads of laundry, all without moving my head because I slept weird on my neck.  I did this all with no complaint. He makes no effort to romance me any more. His idea of foreplay is "I brushed my teeth and I have a  boner, let's do this". I am quite sick of it. I told him this morning that I apologize for not being able to preform, but my lady parts are so swollen they are rubbing on my thighs and I can't even move my head. He was such a jerk. No sympathy. No offer of a massage or even an "I'm sorry you are not feeling well". I swear he thinks it's gonna fall off if it's not serviced every time it becomes engorged. Am I wrong? Am I being unreasonable? I give him sex at least once a week, whether I want to or not, whether I feel well or not, whether it feels like he is ripping me apart or not. He does nothing for me in return. He does not kiss me. He does not offer to rub my feet or back, or tell me I did a good job cleaning up the house. He doesn't thank me for his clean, wrinkle free clothes laid out for work, or his dinner that is made and hot when he gets home (which is 11PM mind you). Yesterday he was singing in the shower to the tune of "Super Freak" "Super bitch, super bitch, she's super bitchy". I melted. I sat in the recliner in the corner of our bedroom and bawled my eyes out. He has no clue.