melt

I had a good relationship with my parents, but there is one thing lacking that I have always desired, and that is to be taken seriously. All my life I have been needy I guess. I need words of affirmation, and I want to be held when I have a melt down. Since I was a kid, I was always emotional and had low self esteem. I was never thin like my mom or my siblings or cousins; I always felt like the fat ugly duckling. When I was in high school I was so depressed I would sit in my room and cry and inflict pain on myself because I thought I deserved it. When I tried talking to my mom, she said I was dramatic and would ignore me. So many times I had a melt down and wished she would just hold me and let me cry, instead they would yell at me and say "misery is a choice, get over it" .  Sometimes it's not a choice and depression is real. It's a real disorder and sometimes you REALLY can't help it. I was disgnosed withMajor Depressvive Disorder in 2005 after feelign like this my entire life, I finally had an answer and knew I wasn't just being "dramatic"(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_depressive_disorder). I still struggle but have come a long way in the past 5 years. Today I had a relapse. I was exhausted, overwhelmed and frustrated. I started sobbing uncontrollably and mom's reaction was "I can't handle you, I'm leaving. You suck the joy out of our visits". All  I wanted was for her to hold me, and tell me I was a good mom, and that It would be OK. That didn't happen and it probably never will.