The Birth! 2 Months later

So on November 30, 2010 I felt eerily euphoric.  I made Christmas cookies with Lucy, took a shower, shaved, painted my and her toenails blow dried and flat ironed my hair and cleaned the house. I went to bed at about 11:30 and woke up at about 2 with some contractions. They were not horrible and were 5 minutes apart. I tried to go back to sleep, but they were coming steady every five minutes. After about an hour or so I got up to empty my bladder, had some more strong contractions and got back in bed. After about 15 min I decided to get up and take a shower and I felt and heard a splat on the bathroom floor. My water broke. Or so I thought. I woke up Jude and told him that my contractions were 5 min apart and my water broke. My biggest fear was that this would happen in the middle of the night and we'd have no one to care for Lucy. We have no family within 200 miles of here, and only one close friend and she is a school teacher, and had exhausted her sick leave already taking care of an ailing family member. I had a "big sister" backpack I had bought for Luc and packed it full of stuff to keep her occupied; toys, coloring books, crayons, snacks. We headed to the hospital. Luc got nervous when I requested a wheel chair for that long corridor to the elevator. I assured her that I'd be fine. When we got there, the nurse had me change; I changed into my own night gown and got into bed. She came and checked me and said that my water did not break, and that I was only dilated 1 1/2 cm. I was irritated. I was like what the hell? I didn't piss myself...It wasn't pee, it was slimy and more the texture and viscosity of glycerin; and certainly enough to make a splat through my pajama pants. She said that if I didn't progress that we'd have to go home. I was devastated. We had already called our folks to start the drive, his 200 miles South and mine 200 miles  West. I started to pray because I was nervous. How would I know when to come back when my contractions were now 3 minutes apart? I am already am a high risk pregnancy, are they seriously gonna send me home??? Two hours later I had progressed to a 3. Thank the LORD! By noon I was a 4 and having contractions every 30 seconds. Lucy did amazingly well having gone to bed at 11:30 and gotten up at 3 and having to chill with us in the hospital. She was starting to get whiny, and between her being scared and tired, my husband being exhausted (he got off work at midnight) and F-ing Disney Channel on my hospital TV'  I could not concentrate at all or relax so I  asked for the epidural. After the epidural his parents arrived and were able  to take Luc home for a much needed rest. My parents arrived at about the same time and it was nice to have them there. The Dr. came in to check me and my dilating had stalled and it was now 2pm and I was stalled at 5cm. I became really upset, I was exhausted and started having major anxiety. I actually called in a Dr. for a c-section consult. She came in, gave me some info but was so sweet, calm and encouraging. She kept soothing me, rubbing my back, telling me everything was fine, I was gonna be able to do it vaginally and that she had faith in me. She was a resident Dr and I was quite impressed. About that time, the OB on call had come in (I didn't have an assigned OB due to the fact we don't have insurance) and wanted to start me on pitocin. I refused, and my resident Dr. asked him to please give me an hour or so to see what would happen on it's own. My dad came in and we held hands and prayed that I wold progress quickly, and all anxiety would leave and that my baby would come fast. My epidural had started to wear off and I could feel contractions pretty good again. By 3:30 I was at a 10 and ready to go! I couldn't believe it! I was nervous but excited. My mom and husband were on either side of me, holding my legs and I was ready to push, only NOTHING was happening. I couldn't feel what I was doing and I was completely frustrated. I didn't want 4 hours of pushing like I had with my previous child. I asked my resident Dr. if we could shut off the epidural so I could feel what I was doing. She said she didn't recommend it but it was up to me. I had them shut it off, and everyone left the room to give me a few minutes to myself. Holy HELL those contractions were literally OFF THE CHARTS. All I could muster to think was "Come Jesus, come Jesus" while biting a wet wash cloth. After like 3 minutes I felt that pressure everyone talks about; like I had to poo. I paged the Dr. and she was like, "are you sure". I said "If you don't get in here, I'm gonna do it by myself". My mom and hubster barely got in, grabbed my legs and I was ready to push. After 3 pushes the head was out. Mom and Jude drop my legs and peek down to see baby Lizzy's black hair! I was like "HELLO!!! CAN WE FINISH THIS PLEASE???" One more push and I felt her pop out with a gush of fluids. She was perfect!! I got to hold her right away, unlike I did with Luc ( I fainted when I had her ). I was so impressed. The baby never left my side. The cut the cord, did her apgar test, bathed her and gave her back to me. She never went to the nursery!! She stayed with me until we went home the next day. The hospital staff were amazing. There were 10 births that day, but I was still able to get a private room (Yay GOD!!!) The baby did have jaundice, and poor little thing had to get her blood drawn 4 days in a row but she pulled through and was a trooper. She weighed 8lbs 13.5 ounces (3 ounces from 9 lbs!!) and was 19 inches long (Short and fat like Mama!!). Today she is 11.5 pounds and 21 inches long!! :O)

Some people really don't get it

Seriously over the past few days, I have tried to call my mom and she has blown me off every time. I am 30 years old and I still crave attention from my mom. I am lonely, bored and I miss my family. I tried to call her for the THIRD time tonight and she was so absorbed with facebook that she didn't even know what I was talking about on the phone. So I said "evidently facebook is more important than me so I'll let you go". She said "what? OK, love you" to which I sarcastically responded "doubtful" because I knew she wasn't listening. So I change my status update to "feeling misplaced" and she comments on it, like, "Oh do you miss you family". Sometimes I want to take that wine that she practically sips with a nipple on it and smack her upside the head with it. Thanks for ignoring me, mom. AGAIN.

Everybody needs a good role model

My husband didn't have one. His father was and is abusive. Jude never had an example of how to treat a woman. His mother is seen and not heard. She walks with her head down, she flinches and cowers at a fly. I asked him last night if that's how he wanted our daughters growing up. Afraid of their dad, and disrespectful of their mother because that's how he treats me half of the time. He doesn't know how to show affection. His idea of saying "I love you" is to get my oil changed, or fix something that's broke. He has no concept of needing to be held, or to wipe someone's tears or kiss away pain. How would he know? Until he met me, he was never shown affection either.No hugs. No kissed owies. No "I'm proud of you". No words of affirmation at all.  It rips me heart out that he shakes hands with his father, and when he tells his mom "I love you" she looks away. His heart needs to be softened and remolded.

Humph

So I was supposed to go see my diabetic educator this morning. I didn't wanna go. I hate driving across town for a 15 minute appointment. I ended up oversleeping anyway. I never sleep through alarms or phone calls but this morning I did both. I missed a call from my mom. Her grandma (my great and Lucy and  Lizzy's GREAT GREAT) passed away early this morning. She was 96 and AMAZING! She came from Oregon to California on a Covered Wagon when she was a child. Seriously amazing. I will miss her. I last  saw her in June for her birthday. She enjoyed pink champagne birthday cake and a bottle of beer with a twisty straw. <3 Love you Grandma "Ra-Ra".

Go F-yourself

I am the worst wife in the world. My body is falling apart. Apparently it's harder on your body to have a baby in your 30's rather your mid 20's; or at least is is for this mama. My hands and fingers are now numb, and my elbows feel like I permanently hit my funny bone. My vag and bum are so full of varicose veins that I can't go #2 without filling the bowl with blood and it hurts so bad. I take extra fiber and stool softeners and it's still excruciating.

So this morning I wake up, go pee and chug 20 ounces of water because I woke up super thirsty. I return to the bedroom, our daughter wakes up and asks me to turn on a cartoon, so I oblige, and take her out to the living room. I again return to my bedroom to find Jude watching buxom blondes naked parade or some stupid shit on his laptop. At this point, I don't even care. Instead of climbing back in to bed, I grab my phone off the charger and pretend I don't know what he's up to. As I am shuffling away (I can't really pick my feet off the floor because it hurts my butt) he says "this is your job you know". I tell him that I'm not trying to be mean but I am in excruciating pain, and I can't even take a poo and was gonna go soak in the tub so I could relax and MAYBE  I could help him out later. He has no sympathy. He never asks what he can do for me. His response? "Your mouth still works". What a DICK.

If I could only make it happen.

I think all men with expecting significant others need some way of experiencing pregnancy for at least 24 hours. Strap on a fake belly that weighs 30 pounds, take some unisom so you feel fatigued, and some ipecac so you can experience throwing up. Throw in something that makes you constipated and gives your hemorrhoids and they will be set.

My husband has been unbearable. I am probably going to have surgery to remove these walnut sized blisters from my bum-hole. I can barely walk, can't sit on my bum, can't bend over, etc. He threw an absolute shit fit on Saturday because I asked him to get out of bed (At noon mind you) to help me get things picked up because I was having some friends over for a small baby shower. Princess (as I so affectionately call him) got off work at 11PM, and drove 15 miles to the casino, and neglected to come home until 2:45 AM. I called him at 1am and asked him to come home and he said he was on his way. Almost 2 hours later he shows up said he "ran out of gas". And miraculously his phone died (even though he has a car charger). I was pissed. Of course I couldn't sleep until I knew he was home and safe. I got up at 7am with our daughter and I was exhausted. I made home made chili, cornbread and cookies and he slept away. So at noon when I told him to get up, he was a bear to say the least. He was yelling, threatened to throw my chili  away and told me to call all my friends and cancel the party. I was devastated. He eventually got over it but did I get an apology? NOPE. When am I ever going to be treated like I should? What happened to the guy I met 12 years ago? When can I rest and have someone take care of me for once?

melt

I had a good relationship with my parents, but there is one thing lacking that I have always desired, and that is to be taken seriously. All my life I have been needy I guess. I need words of affirmation, and I want to be held when I have a melt down. Since I was a kid, I was always emotional and had low self esteem. I was never thin like my mom or my siblings or cousins; I always felt like the fat ugly duckling. When I was in high school I was so depressed I would sit in my room and cry and inflict pain on myself because I thought I deserved it. When I tried talking to my mom, she said I was dramatic and would ignore me. So many times I had a melt down and wished she would just hold me and let me cry, instead they would yell at me and say "misery is a choice, get over it" .  Sometimes it's not a choice and depression is real. It's a real disorder and sometimes you REALLY can't help it. I was disgnosed withMajor Depressvive Disorder in 2005 after feelign like this my entire life, I finally had an answer and knew I wasn't just being "dramatic"(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_depressive_disorder). I still struggle but have come a long way in the past 5 years. Today I had a relapse. I was exhausted, overwhelmed and frustrated. I started sobbing uncontrollably and mom's reaction was "I can't handle you, I'm leaving. You suck the joy out of our visits". All  I wanted was for her to hold me, and tell me I was a good mom, and that It would be OK. That didn't happen and it probably never will.