Some people really don't get it

Seriously over the past few days, I have tried to call my mom and she has blown me off every time. I am 30 years old and I still crave attention from my mom. I am lonely, bored and I miss my family. I tried to call her for the THIRD time tonight and she was so absorbed with facebook that she didn't even know what I was talking about on the phone. So I said "evidently facebook is more important than me so I'll let you go". She said "what? OK, love you" to which I sarcastically responded "doubtful" because I knew she wasn't listening. So I change my status update to "feeling misplaced" and she comments on it, like, "Oh do you miss you family". Sometimes I want to take that wine that she practically sips with a nipple on it and smack her upside the head with it. Thanks for ignoring me, mom. AGAIN.

Everybody needs a good role model

My husband didn't have one. His father was and is abusive. Jude never had an example of how to treat a woman. His mother is seen and not heard. She walks with her head down, she flinches and cowers at a fly. I asked him last night if that's how he wanted our daughters growing up. Afraid of their dad, and disrespectful of their mother because that's how he treats me half of the time. He doesn't know how to show affection. His idea of saying "I love you" is to get my oil changed, or fix something that's broke. He has no concept of needing to be held, or to wipe someone's tears or kiss away pain. How would he know? Until he met me, he was never shown affection either.No hugs. No kissed owies. No "I'm proud of you". No words of affirmation at all.  It rips me heart out that he shakes hands with his father, and when he tells his mom "I love you" she looks away. His heart needs to be softened and remolded.

Humph

So I was supposed to go see my diabetic educator this morning. I didn't wanna go. I hate driving across town for a 15 minute appointment. I ended up oversleeping anyway. I never sleep through alarms or phone calls but this morning I did both. I missed a call from my mom. Her grandma (my great and Lucy and  Lizzy's GREAT GREAT) passed away early this morning. She was 96 and AMAZING! She came from Oregon to California on a Covered Wagon when she was a child. Seriously amazing. I will miss her. I last  saw her in June for her birthday. She enjoyed pink champagne birthday cake and a bottle of beer with a twisty straw. <3 Love you Grandma "Ra-Ra".

Go F-yourself

I am the worst wife in the world. My body is falling apart. Apparently it's harder on your body to have a baby in your 30's rather your mid 20's; or at least is is for this mama. My hands and fingers are now numb, and my elbows feel like I permanently hit my funny bone. My vag and bum are so full of varicose veins that I can't go #2 without filling the bowl with blood and it hurts so bad. I take extra fiber and stool softeners and it's still excruciating.

So this morning I wake up, go pee and chug 20 ounces of water because I woke up super thirsty. I return to the bedroom, our daughter wakes up and asks me to turn on a cartoon, so I oblige, and take her out to the living room. I again return to my bedroom to find Jude watching buxom blondes naked parade or some stupid shit on his laptop. At this point, I don't even care. Instead of climbing back in to bed, I grab my phone off the charger and pretend I don't know what he's up to. As I am shuffling away (I can't really pick my feet off the floor because it hurts my butt) he says "this is your job you know". I tell him that I'm not trying to be mean but I am in excruciating pain, and I can't even take a poo and was gonna go soak in the tub so I could relax and MAYBE  I could help him out later. He has no sympathy. He never asks what he can do for me. His response? "Your mouth still works". What a DICK.

If I could only make it happen.

I think all men with expecting significant others need some way of experiencing pregnancy for at least 24 hours. Strap on a fake belly that weighs 30 pounds, take some unisom so you feel fatigued, and some ipecac so you can experience throwing up. Throw in something that makes you constipated and gives your hemorrhoids and they will be set.

My husband has been unbearable. I am probably going to have surgery to remove these walnut sized blisters from my bum-hole. I can barely walk, can't sit on my bum, can't bend over, etc. He threw an absolute shit fit on Saturday because I asked him to get out of bed (At noon mind you) to help me get things picked up because I was having some friends over for a small baby shower. Princess (as I so affectionately call him) got off work at 11PM, and drove 15 miles to the casino, and neglected to come home until 2:45 AM. I called him at 1am and asked him to come home and he said he was on his way. Almost 2 hours later he shows up said he "ran out of gas". And miraculously his phone died (even though he has a car charger). I was pissed. Of course I couldn't sleep until I knew he was home and safe. I got up at 7am with our daughter and I was exhausted. I made home made chili, cornbread and cookies and he slept away. So at noon when I told him to get up, he was a bear to say the least. He was yelling, threatened to throw my chili  away and told me to call all my friends and cancel the party. I was devastated. He eventually got over it but did I get an apology? NOPE. When am I ever going to be treated like I should? What happened to the guy I met 12 years ago? When can I rest and have someone take care of me for once?

melt

I had a good relationship with my parents, but there is one thing lacking that I have always desired, and that is to be taken seriously. All my life I have been needy I guess. I need words of affirmation, and I want to be held when I have a melt down. Since I was a kid, I was always emotional and had low self esteem. I was never thin like my mom or my siblings or cousins; I always felt like the fat ugly duckling. When I was in high school I was so depressed I would sit in my room and cry and inflict pain on myself because I thought I deserved it. When I tried talking to my mom, she said I was dramatic and would ignore me. So many times I had a melt down and wished she would just hold me and let me cry, instead they would yell at me and say "misery is a choice, get over it" .  Sometimes it's not a choice and depression is real. It's a real disorder and sometimes you REALLY can't help it. I was disgnosed withMajor Depressvive Disorder in 2005 after feelign like this my entire life, I finally had an answer and knew I wasn't just being "dramatic"(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_depressive_disorder). I still struggle but have come a long way in the past 5 years. Today I had a relapse. I was exhausted, overwhelmed and frustrated. I started sobbing uncontrollably and mom's reaction was "I can't handle you, I'm leaving. You suck the joy out of our visits". All  I wanted was for her to hold me, and tell me I was a good mom, and that It would be OK. That didn't happen and it probably never will.

Crazy tired

I tend to not sleep when I am looking forward to something. We are going to visit my family this afternoon. It's about a 3-31/2 hour drive through the mountains to the coast on th other side. I was up til 2:30 being anxious and fretting about the rain (first rain of the season), and then I woke up at 5:30, got Jude up at 6 (and he worked til midnight) so that he could be back at work at 7. He's working a half shift today. He usually drives himself but he wanted me to pick him up so we can head straight for the highway and get the heck outta here. Pray for a safe trip; this 2 lane mountain highway always makes me nervous. I am driving; my city slicker husband is not used to mountain driving and he terrifies me. As for now, Lucy and I are going back to sleep for a few hours.

I slept last night

I broke down and took a unisom last night, at the encouragement of my OB because I have insomnia (not to mention I pee every 20 min). I still woke up to pee but every 2 hours. Lucy slept in her own space (on the floor in our room in a sleeping bag {she is still afraid to sleep in her bedroom alone, as she shared a room  and bed with us at our apartment}) until 6am. We have lived in our new house for 2 months and I couldn't be happier. The seasons are shifting and Jude wasn't as much as a jerk last night. At least he said thanks for the house being clean when he came home last night. Tomorrow we are going on a small weekend trip to visit my family about 3 hours away. I am looking forward to it, just not the drive through the steep windy mountains to get to the Coast on the other side.

F-you and your untouchable face

So a little about me. I am in my 30's. Married for 12 years. We have 4 year old little girl, Lucy, and I am 35 weeks pregnant with baby girl # 2, Lizzy. Jude and I have had our ups and downs. Today he's being an asshole. I am having issues with varicosities in some uncomfortable private places. This makes it difficult to walk, use the toilet, sit or stand in one position, bend over to pick something off the ground, or  sneeze or laugh. He is pissed because he hasn't gotten laid in 3 days. He sat in bed on his laptop and watched me fold and put away 3 loads of laundry, all without moving my head because I slept weird on my neck.  I did this all with no complaint. He makes no effort to romance me any more. His idea of foreplay is "I brushed my teeth and I have a  boner, let's do this". I am quite sick of it. I told him this morning that I apologize for not being able to preform, but my lady parts are so swollen they are rubbing on my thighs and I can't even move my head. He was such a jerk. No sympathy. No offer of a massage or even an "I'm sorry you are not feeling well". I swear he thinks it's gonna fall off if it's not serviced every time it becomes engorged. Am I wrong? Am I being unreasonable? I give him sex at least once a week, whether I want to or not, whether I feel well or not, whether it feels like he is ripping me apart or not. He does nothing for me in return. He does not kiss me. He does not offer to rub my feet or back, or tell me I did a good job cleaning up the house. He doesn't thank me for his clean, wrinkle free clothes laid out for work, or his dinner that is made and hot when he gets home (which is 11PM mind you). Yesterday he was singing in the shower to the tune of "Super Freak" "Super bitch, super bitch, she's super bitchy". I melted. I sat in the recliner in the corner of our bedroom and bawled my eyes out. He has no clue.